first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
