We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
