dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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