So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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