so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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