take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
