i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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