A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
