What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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