I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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