HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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