you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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