Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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