My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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