All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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