I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
