is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
