i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
