your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize