Screwed.edu
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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