I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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