Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
