i wish my penis had a tongue
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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