Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
