We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
