eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
