is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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