From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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