I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize