Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
