update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
