I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
