the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
