Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So squirting runs in the family.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
