I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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