I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
