I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
