Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
