I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
