my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
