no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
