in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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