i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
