even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
