would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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