For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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