Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
