I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
