How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
