someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
