I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
