If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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