if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Randomize
