I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize