dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
