Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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