I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He shit in the fireplace
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
