no, he came in my armpit
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize