My brain says no but my pants say off.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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