if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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