can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
