I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
